14 Comments

OATMEAL SCHMOATMEAL


oatmeal2
Oh I know you expect me to launch into a glowing account on the virtues of a bowl of hot oatmeal. Well, forget it. I hate oatmeal.

You can tell me how life-enhancing oatmeal is, and how warm and satisfied it keeps you until it’s time for the lunch hour hamburger fix. Acclaim its time-tested qualities, and how your grandmother dolled it up with brown sugar, raisins or bananas, and how it reminds you of being young and carefree again.

Well, I’m not convinced. I still don’t like it.

Dr. Advice loves oatmeal. He loads it up with bananas, prunes, raisins and brown sugar. I’m sure it is all the fruit which makes him think it is so good. Or maybe it is because it is one of the few things he has mastered as a culinary novice. What’s wrong with bacon and eggs?

A long time ago, before I became a charter member of Oatmeal Haters of America, I touted the appeal of Scottish oats to my friend Corrine. They come in a nice time box you can use for storing something else after you enjoy the oats, and besides they take up far less room than the large boxes of flakes. I even bought her a can as an introductory present as a dinner guest, and took it as a gift instead of the same old bottle of wine.

She returned them the next day unconvinced and told me she still hated it.

In addition to the taste and texture, the cleanup is gummy and if it happens to boil over, forget it. They were passing out free samples of the stuff at a local grocery store recently, so I bought some thinking perhaps it had improved over time.

It had not. It still tastes like wallpaper paste. I’ll take a “proper English breakfast” consisting of eggs, bacon or ham, hashed brown potatoes, and a nice hot cup of tea thank you.

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14 comments on “OATMEAL SCHMOATMEAL

  1. Yes, I am sure. Go back to the world’s dysfunctional systems and sooner or later you’ll come across oatmeal. There is only one redeeming ingredient making it palatable, not mentioned in the article; Golden Syrup. You let it drip from the large spoon and make circles on top of the oats in ever narrowing diameters. I used to be spellbound doing that. I would give Dr Advice a nicely wrapped tin of Golden syrup. He’ll be fascinated for days.

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  2. I use Golden Syrup o make a delicious gingerbread. cake. I’ll have to forego the ckae next time an lend it to Dr. Advice.

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  3. I like the Trader Joe’s frozen steel-cut oatmeal. No pot, no mess, rich and creamy but expensive.

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  4. I like painting pictures on it with honey and watching the milk make honey islands.

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  5. Such blasphemy.

    Porridge, correctly prepared, is a delicacy that will care for you a whole morning and you will scorn scones and other damaging comfort foods.

    I do not refer to spartan concoctions of salt, oats and water, but to the procedure devised by me, here in the civilised South of these islands.

    Take a five-inch saucepan and fill to half an inch with boiling water. Immediately add two and a half dessert spoons of oats with bran – do not stir, but watch with undivided attention for a minimum of three minutes as all the delicious glug extracts itself from the heavenly grain. During this time, do not criticise it out loud. It may take offence and refuse to perform.

    Place on a moderate hob and await the miracle and glory of spontaneous thickening. Remove from the hob, stirring vigorously, and spoon into an eagerly awaiting bowl. Add a teaspoon of sugar and a droplet of cold milk. Consume with reverence.

    Alas, I am rarely permitted to celebrate this profound ritual, since Glenys’s tastes are equivalent to those of Dr Advice.

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  6. Little do they know. I shall add your recipe to my collection. This must be the reason I crave a chocolate or two at about 10:a.m.—-no porridge. I’ll think of you when hunger pangs strike.

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  7. Here are the proper uses for oatmeal: cookies, muffins, cakes, meatloaf binder and… more cookies. That’s it.

    If a hot cereal is absolutely necessary, Cream of Wheat will do just fine. I rarely need a hot cereal, but sometimes, in winter or when feeling poorly, it sounds good. Cream of Wheat with cinnamon stirred in, along with some raisins and toasted pecans is very good. But at that point, you might as well have an oatmeal cookie or three.

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  8. You are absolutely correct. Go to the head of the class. Breakfast really isn’t my favorite thing no matter what it is. Now as far as cookies, muffins, cakes etc. I can eat those at any time of day. I’ve always suspected that Dr. Advice needs to take a look at what oatmeal really looks like underneath all the other stuff he puts on it!

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